SIGNS IS CRAP- - - - I guess I'll put a spoiler warning on this review, but I'm not sure it's doing anybody a favor. I scrupulously avoided reading any spoiler information. A friend of mine who had heard spoilers from his co-workers surprised me by refusing to see the movie with me. But I wanted to believe it would be good, so I went to see it. My friend was the lucky one. Signs is crap. Oh, it has some of the elements of a good movie, maybe, but if you have the makings of a great cheeseburger and add brake fluid, you're not left with an okay cheeseburger. We now bring you a synopsis of the hit movie Signs. - - - - Graham: I was an Episcopalian priest, but then my wife got run over by a truck, so I quit. What's even the point of being a priest if you don't get special protection from that kind of thing? "Ray" crosses. The others look at him. Morgan: Is that... him? Merrill: Yes. Bo: Who is that? Graham: That's M. Night Shyamalan, the writer/director. - - - - The Aliens: Next up on the list of planets to invade: "the Earth." As you can see from the blue globe filling the viewport, a better name would be "the Water." Most of the surface is submerged in water, and most of the rest of the surface is soaked in atmospheric water at irregular intervals. The lifeforms cluster around the water, because they are in fact mostly made of water. Anyway, we're going to attack. Hopefully they won't guess our one weakness. "Ray": Water? The Aliens: DAMN it. How did you guess that? "Ray": Well, water was the secret weakness in my last... I mean, in the last M. Night Shyamalan movie. The Aliens: Yeah, what's with that? Issues stemming from a childhood sprinkler accident? "Ray": I'd rather not talk about it. - - - - The Alien: Okay, I'm going down. Can I have an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator? The Other Aliens: No. The Alien: Can I have a spacesuit to protect me from all the water? The Other Aliens: No. The Alien: Can I have a flintlock pistol? The Other Aliens: No. The Alien: Can I have a crowbar? You mentioned I might have to break into some houses... The Other Aliens: No. The Alien: Can I have a pointed stick? What if the natives are armed with baseball bats or kitchen knives? The Other Aliens: No. Listen, what you do is catch them when they're asleep or unconscious, and use your poison gas tube to squirt poison gas up their nostrils. - - - - "Ray": I trapped an alien in my pantry! The Alien: I was looking for SOMETHING to eat that wasn't MADE of #*(%ing WATER. The Alien wiggles his fingers under the door. The Alien: Help! I'm in here! Let me out! Graham cuts off two of the Alien's fingers. The Alien: Ow! - - - - The Other Aliens: We're leaving. We never expected the natives to have knives, and water. We're leaving so fast that we're abandoning our wounded to die on this watery hell-world. The Alien: Guys! Guys! It's a flesh wound! Two lousy fingertips! Look, I can still pick stuff up! The Other Aliens: Sorry, Harry. You're wounded, not a whole alien any more. What would Cheryl think if she saw you like this? Bye now. The Alien: This is a #*(%ing travesty. This is just #*(%ing embarrassing. The aliens in #*(%ing Independence Day were smarter and tougher than this. - - - - The Radio: The aliens have fled after some people in villages in the Middle East figured out a means to defeat them. We have no more details at this time. It is not known if the successful stratagem involved cutting the aliens with knives, hitting them with sticks, or spraying them with water. - - - - The Alien: At last, an unconscious asthmatic boy. Someone sufficiently weak and defenseless that I can squirt poison gas up his nostrils. Merrill: It seems like if you have to get in close like that, you're missing the whole point of having poison gas. Graham: Something my dying wife said makes me think we should hit the alien with a baseball bat. The Alien: Ow! Graham: I feel now that my wife didn't die in vain. How else would we have thought of hitting the alien with a baseball bat? Morgan: I'm alive! My asthma saved my life. Bo: And by leaving glasses of water lying around the house, I've saved us the trouble of fetching the hose! Graham: My family's charming idiosyncrasies have saved us from tragedy (except for my wife) while millions of others have perished. I guess God did intend for us to get special protection after all. I'm going to become a priest again. The Alien: Yeah, that's deep. About as deep as Independence Day, which also featured a lapsed rabbi who regained his trust in God after the alien invasion. Got anything else? Graham: Uh, everything happens for a reason? The Alien: If everything happens for a reason, then what was the reason that we even came to this #*(%ing planet? Answer me that one question and maybe I won't squirt poison gas up M. Night Shyamalan's nostrils. |